The lights in the theater lower, the projector speeds up, and the screen alights.
–Cue trailer–
In a world of terror, anguish, oppressors, and trolls, one bakery will stand up and defend honor and truth: AMY’S BAKING COMPANY BAKERY BOUTIQUE & BISTRO!
She is “WONDER WOMAN… A GREAT CHEF, A GREAT WIFE, AND A GREAT MOM TO [HER] KIDS,” who will teach them “EXACTLY WHAT >>GOD<< WANTS IN THEIR PATH.”
When “all of the Yelpers and Reddits,” start attacking the good name of their bakery boutique and bistro, Samy and Amy Bouzaglo take charge and pursue legal action by listing names of anyone who says anything against them. Who keeps lists of names of dissenters? Heroes, that’s who.
When accused of freaking out, Samy keeps it cool with witty catchphrases such as, “come to arizona. you are weaker than my wife,” and, “WE ARE NOT FREAKING OUT. WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT A ‘WITCH HUNT’ I AM NOT A WITCH. I AM GODS CHILD. PISS OFF ALL OF YOU,” that you and your kids will be quoting in the car all the way home.
Terror strikes in the heart of men, and Samy and Amy will make sure to get its information down and threaten to have police officers harass people on the internet. Because that’s the American Dream.
–End trailer–
As Samy says, “You people are all shit. Yelp shit, Reddits shit. Every shit. Come to here, I will fucking show you all.”
That’s the only kind of quality guarantee you’ll get at Amy’s Baking Company Bakery Boutique & Bistro, which saw the owners go into a meltdown of epic proportions earlier this week on the café’s Facebook page after kicking Chef Gordon Ramsay and the television crew of his show Kitchen Nightmares out of their restaurant in the largest hissy-fit since King George III. Later in the week, when the Bakery Boutique & Bistro figured out what was going on with people mocking the owners’ tirades, they claimed that all of the internet involving them in this downward spiral of embarrassment had been hacked and that the FBI was looking in on it (because it has nothing better to do).
This seems like a dodge to avoid the truth. Obviously, Samy and Amy Bouzaglo were concocting this whole charade to protect their secret identities as the world’s greatest fighters for justice and honor.
So, sleep soundly in your beds tonight. Worry not about murderers (both mass and otherwise), burglars (cat and common), Yelpers, or Reddits for AMY’S BAKING COMPANY BAKERY BOUTIQUE & BISTRO is always there, right next to your bed, challenging you to a fistfight.
(Meanwhile, you can like our Techcitement Facebook page, join us on Twitter, follow our Tumblr page, or follow Techcitement with Bloglovin. We promise not to threaten to call the cops on you.)
Comments are closed.