Yelp finally did what doctors and health education teachers all over the world couldn’t do. The search and review website has started the slow process of doing away with cancer and childhood obesity. Thank god I didn’t spend the money on medical school because it would have proven to be a waste. Really I should have given my $18 to Godaddy.com and started a site that reviews businesses.
Doesn't that look delicious?
Everyone knows that places like McDonald’s or a TGIF have the same thing no matter what state or country you’re in. They aren’t scary and you know they have that item on the menu you like (I don’t know why you like it, it’s gross). Yep, chain restaurants make Americans afraid. They suck the adventure right out of our eating experiences. Instead of looking at a local restaurant you’ve never been to and thinking “oh man, what if this place is mind blowing and amazing?” and then rushing in, we think “oh man, what if this place sucks?” and then we go order a Big Mac from McDonald’s. I can tell you where to spend your $.99 that’s more beneficial, life giving, cancer killing, filling, and it won’t be at a drive-through window. People have their bodies so clogged with salty, fat, fried, carb-loaded, and sweet things that they don’t even know that an apple and a carrot can be the most delicious, nutritious, life giving, and satisfying foods they could have. Instead, people order four Big Macs now since McDonald’s shrunk their burger sizes because they were killing too many people with their food. Good job, America. Don’t read the facts, just double your order, and get your kid an orange soda while you’re at it.
Because of this widespread food-choice apathy, Yelp is currently my new hero. According to a paper by Michael Luca from the Harvard Business School (beware, it’s a PDF), more people are reviewing those tiny local establishments and shedding light on their eating experiences, all the non-adventure seeking scaredy-cats that live in fear of trying new things are now feeling better about trying them out. This means less money goes to fast food joints and the chains while more money goes to local places that cook their food and spend time to design and create delicious meals. I can’t imagine a better accidental outcome and hope this trend continues until we find ourselves surrounded by more local businesses than chain restaurants. Hopefully, this means the mom and pop café down the street gets tons of business and the McDonald’s across from it disappears taking cancer, obesity, and food ignorance with it.
Double down on your chances of a heart attack
Don’t get me wrong. I love red meat and bread. I eat them too. I eat the shit out of them. But I also listen to my body and know how much I need and when to stop. I know that when I drink a soda or eat crap food, I feel awful. I exercise and have cleansed and detoxed to the point that I found the natural cravings and palette that I was born with and that was given to me by my monkey cousins. It’s the palette of a newborn child that hasn’t been brainwashed by “juice” and “chicken nuggets”. Evolution can’t keep up with the rate at which we can build couches and Burger Kings, so I think everyone should get online and rate local businesses on Yelp. A one star increase in a rating can increase revenue by 10 percent, which is no small thing to a business owner. We live in a time where the word McDonald’s is in my computer’s autocorrect, and it shouldn’t be. We live in a time where the KFC Double Down is something that the population as a whole is okay with, and it shouldn’t be. If a restaurant is good, share that info with the world and help them do better. Give good places good ratings. Let people know that the place down the street with the handmade sign makes an amazing club sandwich and it’s way better than that fast food chain burger. Yelp = a healthy apple, and we should all take a bite of that.
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