3. Drones

“So, you cooked up a story and dropped the six of us in a meatgrinder?”

Number three gets you a Predator Drone. Screw the Revell 1/48 scale model. You need the controversial Maisto Fresh Metal Tailwinds 1:97 Scale Die Cast United States Military Aircraft – US Air Force Medium Altitude, Long Endurance, Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) RQ-1 Predator with Display Stand (Dimension: 6″ x 3-1/2″ x 1″) with 228 saucy reviews. Distinguished Warfare Medal not included. Previously thought to be pulled from Amazon, it turns out the drones sold out due to high demand. Slate reported on this phenomenon on February 13, 2013. Know what’s funnier than Slate? Ironic reviews.

Whether your violating constitutional rights at home, or bombing children abroad, this toy’s perfect for all clandestine missions! Double tap strike to triple your pleasure and casualties!

My son asked for this toy, and I sadly explained that Muslim children, especially brown-skinned boys, were not allowed to have this type of toy. When he asked why, I said this toy is the Great Satan’s vengeance on Muslims. My son is very smart for his age, so he replied that he would only play with the toy when his brothers and sisters were home and show them how the Great Satan will kill them if they attend weddings or funerals or plant their gardens in the spring. He promised never to use the toy to challenge global white corporate hegemony. He is a wonderful child, I hope one day he will have a good job as a CIA informant or work long, underpaid hours in a consumer product warehouse for a internet sales corporation.

Allah Ackbar

2. Uranium

“Last night, Darth Vader came down from Planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn’t take Lorraine out, that he’d melt my brain.”

Number two is a rock-solid family favorite, with Uranium Ore now down to just $39.95.

I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.

I contacted the seller to order the 2000 Tons I would need for my, er… project, and inquired about a shipping discount for larger quantities.

Not only will the seller not offer any sort of bulk discount, they insist on shipping all orders at advertised unit size and in the pictured can!

I’m going back to the Parking Lot Libyans. At least they won’t up-charge you to repackage for bulk purchases; and THEY offer Free Delivery to any mall within 50 miles of your house.

1. Hair Removal Creme

“Bound by wild desire, I fell into a ring of fire.”

Number one, a dark horse outsider from the tax-dodging champs at Amazon UK, Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml for just £6.11 in some kind of foreign rock money. I should warn you now that the reviews are mostly in foreign and are mostly NSFW. They’re also funny as fuck.

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

Picture the scene: a badly sunburnt, blistered and shaved Boris Johnson carries two red Space Hoppers accross the surface of Mars. This is an accurrate description of the current state of my genital region 3 weeks after a liberal application of this product. Seriously, my once proud Biggles looks more like the lone equine survivor of a fire at a donkey sanctuary.

On the positive side i can report the following unexpected benefits:

• My pain threshold has almost trebled
• I can now pass urine in 3 positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping.
• using a shammy leather and some wax I was able to polish up my ballbag enough to act as a signal for passing ships, saving me from certain starvation one time when i was stuck on a desert island.

It is due only to point 3 that this product gets 5 stars.