Bra Pockets Removes Need For Boyfriends

Sometimes women’s pants have fake pockets. Is that a mean joke, or are we simply slaves to the sleek and stylish lines of women’s fashion? Is having pockets somehow considered to be too manly? Or are people afraid of what we would put in our pockets were they to be real? I believe the answer is “all of the above.” My dresses never have pockets either, and I’m okay with this as the added weight of stuff in a dress pocket would simply look dumb and feel awkward. However, I still have a phone, keys, ID, credit cards, and generally something girly to smear on my lips in case I see the man of my dreams or my lips get chapped. Usually, it’s just my lips being chapped. My point though is that it stinks to be a girl and go to an event where you don’t want to tote a purse around all night yet and have no pockets to stick the necessary stuff in. However, I have just stumbled upon a solution and I will now proceed to judge it. A couple folks in Seattle had their project for the Joey Bra successfully funded on Kickstarter.

The Joey Bra, you ask? Yes, a bra with a built-in pocket for your smartphone, credit cards, or baby kangaroos. The pocket is on the side of the bra, pretty much right below your armpit. It reminds me of the pockets added to exercise clothing: Small, flat, big enough for the necessities and small enough so it won’t show. While I can now stash my phone and my credit card/ID, I’m left holding my keys. Though I suppose storing your keys in a Joey Bra is possible, if also possibly painful.

I have three opinions about this bra armpit pocket. The first one is, AWESOME. I would like to stick my flat, rectangular items in my bra for safe keeping, and my A cup simply doesn’t hold much (shut up). My second thought is if I’m wearing a shirt or dress with a high collar and sleeves of any sort, I have to go to the bathroom and take off my entire dress to check the text message that just tickled me. Though I guess in all fairness, I can’t call that a design flaw. I should have just pulled out my boyfriend and his pockets that night. He loves it when I wear high collared, long sleeved dresses that go down to my ankles; he says its compound couture and it turns him on. Lastly, lets say I’m flirting with a guy (the previous boyfriend being entirely fictional). I feel a text come in and for the sake of looking chaste and keeping up my popular lifestyle by trying to not be rude, I decide to check it. Normally, I could reach into my deep plunging blouse around the curve of my cleavage and pull out my phone all while squeezing my arms around my breasts, leaning in slightly and pouting my lips. Sexy, right? However, with the Joey Bra, I feel my text come in from my purse-slinging girlfriend and then proceed to lift one arm slightly, reach my other hand into my armpit, fish around for a while until I slowly pull my phone out from under my arm and wink. This is much less sexy.

Unless I’m wearing the matching thong that has yet to be created and reach under my skirt to pull out my chap stick while maintaining eye contact with my future pocket-having boyfriend. However, I have a feeling my purse-slinging girlfriend will end up going home with my future pockets. Unless, after my text message comes in, I simply remove my dress entirely to check my phone. This may be a move to secure a one night stand, but it won’t actually guarantee any long-term pockets in my future, which means I’m left with my keys in my hand and my dress on the floor.

Truth be told, I would try a Joey Bra. Were I willing to take my house and car key off the ring, they too would fit in this bra pocket. I visited the website and found that they had sold clean out of all their bras. The company says it’s scheduled for a relaunch in mid May. However, it’s the end of May now so the best I can do is sign up for the newsletter. If I remember to check back, I’ll buy one, try it out, and let you know how it holds up. Until then, my bra will have to do with its current passengers.