6. BIC Pens

The caption almost writes itself.

In sixth place, we delve into the stationary closet to find BIC Cristal Pen For Her Ball Pen, $11.38. At the end of 2012, someone in BIC’s marketing department completely failed to realize what a can of worms this product would conceivably open. Luckily, almost a thousand reviews have helped the people at BIC see the error of their ways.

Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I’m swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It’s comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I’ve begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I’m writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson’s last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I’m positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.

5. Binders and Binders

Now we get to the top five, and a deserving top five if there ever was one.

Avery Durable View Binder with 2-Inch Slant Ring, Holds 8.5 x 11-Inch Paper, White, 1 Binder (17032), $9.53. For those asleep during October and November of 2012, you may have missed the whole “binders full of women: gaffe a certain Republican American presidential hopeful made during his debates. Not to worry. Avery’s binders have all the coverage you need.

I had heard so much about these binders and had hoped they might be as useful as governor Romney had suggested, but it turns out these binders are totally useless in the 21st Century. Not only are contemporary women unwilling to be packed into these binders, but carrying one of these things simply broadcasts your antiquated intents. These things are so old school one might as well scream, ‘Page me, maybe.’

I was originally going to rate this only 1 star. You see, I’m a big girl and I can only squeeze about 53% of myself into this binder. But then I decided that I’m not going to worry about the other 47%.

4. Giant Army Knife

“That’s not a knife…” Okay, it is, in fact, several knives.

In with a yodelling bullet at number four, the Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant is a measly $1347.52, and it’s eligible for FREE Shipping! The Wenger Giant Knife includes 87 implements for almost any situation and about 1.2 reviews per implement.

Found this stuck into a stone while on vacation. I’m impressed with it, generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility.

If you open up all the attachments in the right order and align them at the proper angles, you can actually hold it up to your eye and view the elusive Higgs Boson particle.

I did it once.