What’s a tech site without a fun list of what they think are some of the greatest Amazon spoof-reviews? Little did CollegeHumor dream almost four years ago when they review-bombed the infamous Three Wolves tee-shirt what majestic awfulness they had truly created.

Zubaz! Say it three times fast! Zubaz!

Over 2,300 reviews, each one more ironic than the last, brought this T-shirt from truck-stop obscurity to international news. Pieces appeared about the shirt on Digg and in The Washington Post and The New York Times highlighting the hijinks taking place deep in the fecund depths of Amazon’s most random lagoons.

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee whirlwind is now over. It’s been logged in the annals of internet history and will forever sear a hole in the fabric of the Wayback Machine. Three baying faces and one lonely moon (customers who bought this also bought Zubaz pants; purple/white Zubaz zebra pants to be specific) have forever disqualified themselves from any Amazon Top Ten Lists of review bombs, especially when there are even more awesome and bizarre items out there.

It’s exactly this criteria that exempts the latest cause célèbre, the 571 Banana Slicer, with its over 3,000 reviews.

Fits great in my jacket and looks good on my car too. I recommend this for young adults who have a degree in business management or anyone suffering from Acute Coronary Syndrome. I like apples.

The mocking Amazon reviews now range from intentionally dreadful and hokey to deliberate and simply, piling one more ironic 5-star review on top of another.

10. Milk

In at number ten is the classic Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz at $45. Not available via Free Super Saver Shipping. This mighty white grocery product garners less than 1500 reviews, but sparked the following review, clearly marked for greatness:

“Get off your horse and drink your milk. “

Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door –
Only this, and nothing more.’

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore –
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore –
Purg’ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,

I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door –
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door –
I resolved to have some more.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
‘This,’ said I, ‘requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.’
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle – here I opened wide the door; –
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, ‘No more!’
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core –
Merely this and nothing more.

Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
‘Surely,’ said I, ‘surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore –
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; –
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’

From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor –
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o’er my dining floor –
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.

Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, ’til I said, ‘Well, hello, kitty!’
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, ‘Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!’
Quoth the kitten, ‘Get some more.’

9.  Parent Child Testing Product, 5 Pack

“THAT’S GOOD THINKING THERE, COOL BREEZE.”

Number nine is another timeless oldie, with a distinct psychedelic flair, with the Parent Child Testing Product, 5 Pack for just $10,035,98. Currently, the product is out of stock, but that only adds to its mysterious aura, with just 58 reviews. Be careful, though, as each one may take you to the edge of reality.

Using Testing Product expanded my mind beyond 3 dimensional space into alternate realities no human mind has ever yet perceived. Both parent AND child, I am now a pan-universal wizard of time and space. I often travel forward (1st dimension), sideways (2nd dimension), up (3rd dimension), yorbic (4th dimension) and gablic (5th dimension) all SIMULTANEOUSLY. In another universe, I am now a king. A warrior. An eater of suns. Recommend highly.

8. Cables

Number eight is a split between the AudioQuest K2 Terminated Speaker 8-Foot Cables, a steal at $14,000 and the Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable, a much more affordable $9,999 new. First, a word about the AudioQuest cables:

We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

PLEASE! You must listen! We cannot maintain the link for long… I will type as fast as I can.

DO NOT USE THE CABLES!

We were fools, fools to develop such a thing! Sound was never meant to be this clear, this pure, this… accurate. For a few short days, we marveled. Then the… whispers… began.

Were they Aramaic? Hyperborean? Some even more ancient tongue, first spoken by elder races under the red light of dying suns far from here? We do not know, but somehow, slowly… we began to UNDERSTAND.

No, no, please! I don’t want to remember! YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME REMEMBER! I saw brave men claw their own eyes out… oh, god, the screaming… the mobs of feral children feasting on corpses, the shadows MOVING, the fires burning in the air! The CHANTING!

WHY CAN’T I FORGET THE WORDS???

We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

Do not use the cables!

It’s the Denon cables that brings the brief and timeless with this review:

This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be sometime around 2007 for whomever is reading this. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES. Something… happens with them. Something came through, something from somewhere else. We were overrun in days, not many of us are left. WE LIVE UNDERGROUND! ONLY YOU CAN STOP IT NOW. SAVE US. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES.

I don’t have much time. This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be–

7. Ridiculous Books

“I, for one, cannot wait for The 2015-2020 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China.”

At number seven is a handful of books, again all equally tied in place:

The 2009-2014 Outlook For Wood Toilet Seats In Greater China, just $495 for PDF download.

You can’t resist taking the book home and making use of it. The pages are so soft and supple. However,we have to think of our bottom line. If the Chinese start going in the hole, they’er going to start asking for all the money we owe them. Then, the (you know what) will hit the fan. The danger of a large scale Chinese movement should be obvious. Entire forests could be literally wiped clean.

The RAND Corporation’s A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates, at $90 – Paperback.

The book is a promising reference concept, but the execution is somewhat sloppy. Whatever generator they used was not fully tested. The bulk of each page seems random enough. However at the lower left and lower right of alternate pages, the number is found to increment directly.

The Bible Cure For Irrritable Bowel Syndrome: Ancient truths, natural remedies and the latest findings for your health today (New Bible Cure (Siloam)), $6.99 – Paperback.

There’s no way to know how many atheists, humanists and others of the damned are working at webmd.com and mayoclinic.com. Better to get your medical information from one of the saved.